The Alpha - Arianna Green (FULL 50 Chapter)

Benlyam and I woke up around dinner time. I went back to my room to shower and change before eating with him. I was sore between my legs, he wasn't small at all. 

Before I got in, I went to my diary, and I opened it. I was going to log my feelings because I felt good. But, someone tampered with it. On the first available page was another envelope. 

I bit my lip as I picked it up, putting the diary away. Inside was a photo of Benlyam and me on the sofa downstairs. Another intimate scene. 

'Dear matey, 

It's sad to see that Benny boy doesn't discipline that smart mouth, tsk tsk, when will you learn babykins? It's fine, I'll do it for him. Can you believe he rewarded that terrible behavior? How tragic, but I do miss seeing that perfect face when I play with my fuck toy... Can't wait to have you back in my grasp, you'll love what I have planned. C.U.I.1. 

-Alpha' 

I nervously gnawed my lip. 

'Sad to see'? He was watching? Through the window? That couldn't be the case... maybe for this instance, but- no! Benlyam would've seen him, his guards would've seen! And the first time, there was no way he could watch through the window, I was a story up! 

I was still confused at his last lines. 

'C.U.S' 

'C.U.I.2' 

'C.U.I.1' 

I didn't know what that meant, it brought a pounding headache. See you? That would make sense and it seems obvious, but what about the other figures? 

Through teary eyes, I stuffed it back and put it with the others, then headed into the bathroom to shower. I couldn't close my eyes. I was fearful that I would open them and Chris would be in here. 

Once I was done washing my hair, I sat down, I wanted the water to wash away my guilt. I should tell Benlyam about the notes, but I couldn't. I started to cry while I sat there. I hated that I always cried. I hated who I was. I hated who made me like this. 

How would I have been if I never endured Chris? If my parents never disappeared and left me? If I had siblings that could've been with me? 

I took a deep breath and stood up, washing my face as quickly as possible because I hated having my eyes closed. I got out of the shower and wrapped a towel around my body, opening the bathroom door to go get a change of clothes. My eyes landed on a figure, my mouth let out a scream as I clutched my towel, my hand flying to my mouth. 

Benlyam furrowed his brows at me as he closed the door. My eyes were wide in fear, but I shut my lips together to stop sound from leaving. He raised an eyebrow at me, eyes skimming over my body and darkening when they saw I was just in a towel. 

| 

"I- um, s-sorry, I wasn't expecting a-anyone to be in here," I quickly explained, my heart beating rapidly. 

He nodded, oddly observing me, "Uh-huh." He was already dressed. "Sorry Flower, didn't mean to scare you." He walked over and kissed my forehead, hugging me into him. I tried to pull back and he looked at me, questioning what I was doing. 

"I'm wet," I mumbled. I'd hate to ruin his clothes. 

Benlyam only chuckled. "I can't hug my mate?" he asked. 

I bit my lip to stop the smile from forming, I don't know why I liked that so much. 

"I just don't want you to get wet," I explained as I pulled his arms from my waist. He wrapped around me again but I gave him a look. "Bee, I have to get dressed." 

"I mean, you don't have to," he teased as his fingers traced my shoulders, "I could have them bring up dinner," he suggested, raising an eyebrow. 

I smiled at him. "N-no, we can eat downstairs." He looked at me and playfully rolled his eyes. He gave me a quick peck on the lips and released me from his grip. 

"Fine by me, Flower." 

I nodded and walked over to the closet, grabbing some pajamas to go with Benlyam. I went to walk into the bathroom but Benlyam stopped me. 

"I'll wait in the bathroom, you can get dressed out here, honey. I'll freshen up for you," he winked and went into the bathroom, closing the door. 

I quickly got dressed, I didn't want him in here longer than needed, even if it was his house. I would hate it if he stayed and found those letters, especially after we completed the bond. He put his trust in me and I couldn't even tell him about notes from a man he was looking for, for me. 

I bit my lip as I dried my hair in the towel until Benlyams voice shouted for me. 

"Violet! Get in here!" My heart pumped as I drew my brows together and neared the door, opening it. "What is this?" he accused. 

My heart dropped as I stared at the razor in his hand. I bit my lip as my hands clutched the towel. I swallowed. 

"Violet," Benlyam warned. My eyes widened and flickered between the razor and his eyes. 

"I- um, a-a razor?" I whispered. Benlyam blinked at me a few times, completely vexed. I pressed my lips together and chanted to myself to calm down. He didn't 

appreciate my answer. 

"Really? I had no fucking idea," I flinched and dropped my eyes, "why do you have it, Violet? How the fuck did you get it in the first place?" he demanded. 

I bit my lip again. I wasn't going to sell out Hannah. 

"To use it," I spoke softly. 

"What?" he asked, fed up. 

"You a-asked why I had it," I mumbled, staring at the towel. I heard him sigh as he pinched the bridge of his nose. 

"Don't get smart with me," he steamed. 

I sucked in a sharp breath. 

...'It's sad to see that Benny doesn't discipline that smart mouth, tsk tsk, when will you learn babykins?'... 

"Please don't s-say that," I murmured, shaken at that comparison. Was he watching now? I turned my head to look around the room, but it was empty. But, so was my bathroom and he managed to get a photo of myself in the shower... 

I saw some motion form the corner of my eye and I turned back to Benlyam who was snapping for my attention. 

"Violet! Are you even listening to me?" he snapped. I blinked, apologized, and waited for him to continue. "I specifically told you 'no' to this!" he reminded me and I 

swallowed. 

"Yeah, but look, you s-said you didn't want me to have it cause I'll hurt myself, but look," I dropped the towel on the counter, pulling up my sleeves, showing him my wrists. "S-see? I haven't! And-and- I-" no more words came out, my stuttering kept them locking in my throat, holding them by their syllable. 

"Steady," Benlyam advised, "it's okay, go slowly, you'll get it." 

"I- I could've, but I didn't Bee," I spoke word by word. 

He bit his lip and glanced at my wrists. He cussed, tossed the razor on the counter and it fell in the sink, clinking as he sighed out and looked back at me. 

"Come here," he ordered, grabbing my arm and tugging me to him. I came closer as he asked, and he wrapped his arms around my waist, hugging me to his chest. 

I rested my head and he breathed in my scent. Sage fluttered in fondness. 

"I don't like this Honey," he spoke against my hair. I loosely wrapped my arms around his clothed torso. "We could've talked about this." 

I looked at him, "last time you choked me." He frowned and ran his fingers through my hair, untangling it. 

"I'm sorry about that," he kissed my forehead. "I just don't want you hurting yourself, honey. It's not that I don't trust you, it's just that your mind can lead you to some painful actions." 

"But I didn't. S-see," I defended and I went to show him my arms again but he held me against him, halting my movements. 

"I know honey. I'm overjoyed at that, I am. But I'm not too fond of you keeping things from me, I just want to keep you safe. Protect you," he rubbed my back and I 

nodded. 

"Sorry," I whispered as I rested my head against his chest again. I'm sorry that I'm keeping notes behind your back and I have no intention of telling you. 

"Flower, you didn't stutter," he spoke out. My brows furrowed in confusion. 

"Huh?" 

"The 's' sound is hard for you, but you didn't stutter," he explained. I felt my cheeks warm-up, I didn't think he'd notice that. He kissed my head and pulled back, holding my hand. "Let's go eat." 

I smiled and walked with him. "You're eager to eat." 

"On the contrary, you skipped lunch. You're doing well with your meals and improving with your weight. I don't want to mess it up," he explained, pulling out my seat for me when we got to the table. 

I nodded as meals were placed in front of us and we ate in peace. I liked this. I liked him. I liked whatever this was. I liked how he was starting to listen to me, he was being a little more understanding. He understood some symptoms I've had before, like my insomnia or when I didn't sleep in the bed. I liked how he made sure I was okay with everything when we completed the bond. 

I hated how I was still keeping secrets from him. It made sense to me- because, in my mind, Chris was undefeatable. Despite Benlyam's title, background, and menacing demeanor- I couldn't fathom telling him because I was afraid. I was afraid he'd hurt Benlyam, even though Sage thought that was utterly ridiculous, and I'd hate myself even more if he got hurt because of me. 

Sage was baffled. There was no doubt in her that our mate wouldn't be able to keep us safe, and a part of me agreed with her. But after experiencing what Chris was capable of for years on end- I knew better. 

After dinner, we went back up to his room. We were laying in bed, soaking in each other. My hand mindlessly tracing patterns on his bare chest. He had the television in his room playing but I wasn't paying attention to it. 

My mind wandered to my episode while we did it. I was embarrassed, thinking back on it, it made a frown come to my face. Was he embarrassed? He had to deal with 

a traumatized, crying girl, I bet the other woman he slept with never cried... 

"Flower?" I hummed in response, "what do you think about holding the Luna ceremony next week?" 

A frown plastered on my face as I pulled up, looking at him with my heart thumping. I shook my head at him, I've already told him I wasn't Luna, I couldn't be. He said so himself! Although he disregarded all previous insults made my way, he still said it! 

"Flower, don't make that face. You'll be wonderful, everyone already knows you are, it's just a matter of officiating it," he sat up with me and grabbed my hands to soothe me. 

Hannah said something similar to me. 

I couldn't help but scrunch my nose. "No." 

"Honey," Benlyam gave me a look, "it's inevitable. You and I both know that." 

"But I can't Bee," I whined and he looked at me, like what I said was so unbelievably stupid and offensive. 

"Why would you say that?" he asked, eyebrows together as his eyes bored into mine. 

I frowned, breaking eye contact, "I'm not good enough. You said it, C-Chris says it, everyone says it. I'm not s-" I bit my lip as my voice cracked, "I'm not strong. It's not fitting..." I whispered. 

I heard him scoff, "not good en- not strong?" One of his hands grabbed my face and turned it back to his face. He looked at me, astonished at the words that came out 

of my mouth. "Violet, are you serious?" he chuckled, when I didn't answer he sighed. "Not good enough? Fuck- you're all I want! Do you not see yourself? Not strong?" he shook his head in disbelief, "I can't even fathom the hell you went through, and look at yourself! You're still here, you're flourishing!" 

I grimaced. "I had an episode Bee, I cried when we..." I couldn't even finish that sentence, I was so ashamed of myself. 

Benlyam's face dropped, he stared at me, not believing what I had the audacity to say. He grabbed both sides of my face and pulled me a little closer to him, he wanted me to pay attention, his demeanor completely serious. 

"Listen. I don't want you to ever think poorly of your reactions. I understand. You went through stuff, it's perfectly okay to respond. Understand?" again, silence. "Violet, do you understand?" he asked again, sternly. 

I frowned as my vision turned glossy. "I just-" I blinked but didn't finish my sentence. 

"Tell me, honey. Let me know what's wrong so I can fix it," he spoke softly. 

"I-I think it's embarrassing because I doubt that the other girls you've had s-sex with broke down... I think you're embarrassed with me..." I said it so quietly, I didn't want him to hear. I didn't want to be another burden- he's already doing so much. 

His thumb wiped my cheek. 

"Hey," he called out gently, "Violet, don't cry. I can't believe you can even think that." He had a pained expression and he pulled me into his chest. "Honey," he whispered, "I am never embarrassed by you. Embarrassed, ashamed, demeaned, anything. I'm so goddamn proud of you! I want everyone to see the amazing woman by my side. My mate, my Flower," he hugged me tighter and kissed my forehead, "You have no idea how much I adore you. I cherish the very thought of you. My other half." 

I wrapped my arms around him and snuggled in his warmth. I loved the way he spoke to me. He ran a hand through my hair, "I care about you Flower. Don't forget that. I'm sorry for all the shit I did to you, I promise I'll shape up. I'm sorry I choked you, yelled at you, called you names. I'm so fu- I'm sorry I ever hit you. I never meant to ever lay a hand on you." 

I nodded and kissed his chest. 

"Sorry," I spoke against him. "I care about you too, Bee. I'm sorry if I make you feel bad, I just don't really know how to do things like this," I confided against him as he held me. So protective, I liked it. He felt safe. 

I wanted to stay here forever. 

"You're fine Flower," he kissed my forehead. 

"Can we try again?" I shyly asked, glancing up at him. 

I saw the lust simmering in his eyes. He smiled at me, "What?" 

"I want to try again. I understand if you don't want to, but I want to try and get past my block." I pressed my lips together, anxiously. 

He chuckled lightly, "Why wouldn't I?" he pressed his lips against mine and I responded softly, slowly. 

He let me go at my tempo. He allowed me to have control, although I know it wasn't complete, Benlyam was ready to take over whenever I got too tired, and he eventually did. 

His hands stayed, lightly grasping my hips as I positioned myself and rode him, he was prepared to assist me in any way he could. I could tell he felt bad with the number of times I pulled myself up because my mind fell, but he stayed patient with me- and as hard as he was, he could've just taken over and done me. 

But he didn't, and I couldn't help but admire that. He was like my puzzle piece. Held me together. When I slacked and I didn't have it in me to continue on top, he gladly took control and brought me over, time after time- along with himself. 

But with each time we came, the guilt of the letters smacked me, harder and harder.