My life hasn't been the best, I'll be honest. There were certain moments when I truly hated myself with every fiber of my being and I wanted nothing more than to kill myself just so I could find a false sense of serenity.
When he first started to hit me when I was about ten. I was too young to understand what I did wrong and I was forced to grow up.
I hated my life then.
I didn't talk from age ten to eleven.
I hated myself.
When he first raped me when I was twelve and continued for nine more years.
I was contemplating death. I even cut myself for seven years.
When Rex and Mallory raped me when I didn't do anything to lure them to me or was rude for them to want to do that act.
I cried myself to sleep for many nights. I continued to cut.
When Benlyam took me from that Hell hole- a sliver of hope sparked. It was torn down when he spoke to me, and when he slept with those girls, and when he slapped
me.
I attempted suicide.
But, I realized something. All of that was nothing. It meant nothing. It seemed like such a silly, minuscule period of time. It felt like my reactions were so extra and
unnecessary. That seemed like heaven compared to what I was witnessing.
I've seen Benlyam pissed many times. I've made him pissy plenty. Like when he tore him off of me, or when he walked in on Rex touching me, or when Mallory raped me. When I said that he shouldn't punish his entire pack, or when I told him that I should go back to his pack when we first talked.
I've seen Benylam almost break on a few occasions. When I had episodes and didn't even think of him, I took it out on Benlyam. When I smacked him in the middle of the night for touching my stomach. When I told him I was thinking of leaving. When Selene showed me him by my bedside when I was in the hospital.
I've never seen him cry. I saw his eyes get glassy when he saw our kids on the ultrasound. I know he excused himself from the room a few times so he could calm himself down.
All of that couldn't compare to right now. Not by a fraction.
Seeing the man I love, the father of my children, my mate, screaming at doctors while he held our bloody, tiny baby in his hands. It was something I never thought I would see. I hated it, it made my life seem like the best thing that could ever happen. Made my life seem like a blessing.
I felt so defeated. I felt like the world had a constant target on my forehead. And for what? I felt so hazy. My head was spinning. I couldn't process anything.
I couldn't process the possibility of our children dying. It was beyond unjust and brutal.
I wasn't crying but it felt like there was a mesh covering over my eyes because of how blurry everything was. Dazy. My head was pounding and my breathing was
shallow.
Blood covered my legs, drenching the hospital bed under me. My blood covered Benlyam's shirt, arms, and hands. He was screaming for the doctors to 'save it' but they were scrambling to make sure things were okay, to make sure I was okay. But I didn't care about myself, my pups were more important.
He was threatening them with everything in the book, but he knew it was a lost cause.
A miscarriage is a miscarriage. You could get on your knees and pray to every God that was ever thought of, you could swear your allegiance to their religion and promise to never act against your word. But it doesn't matter.
Some Gods fed on misfortune, they thrive on it. Praying wouldn't do a thing. Believe me, I was witnessing the true horror of life.
You couldn't hook it up to a breathing machine or put it in an incubator- as Benlyam was demanding- because it wouldn't do anything.
I didn't want to believe that. But not everything works out and it's something I'll never understand.
Life isn't beautiful. It's a disgusting, hideous slab of terrors and downfalls that everyone paints over, and then claims it's a priceless artifact. It isn't beautiful.
The doctors tried to take my baby from Benlyam's hand and a growl shook the room. The doctors were visibly shaking from how lethal he was.
It was so tiny. It fit in his hand. It was no more than seven inches long, it couldn't be more than a pound from how itty bitty it was. So red. My heart pulled in pain as I
took a sharp breath.
"Alpha, there's no-"
"You will fucking save it or I will fucking hang you with your goddamn stethoscope!" Benlyam yelled in Reseda's face as he cradled our baby. He was shaking from
rage.
"Alp-" Benlyam cut her off again.
"Do you fucking see this? This is my fucking child, you fucking bitch!" Benlyam shouted at her. His eyes were so glassy, he was holding himself back.
"Bee..." I croaked. It was the first time I said anything during this whole nightmare. It was so quiet but it felt like a fire alarm was continuously ringing in my head, it
didn't take a water break. It couldn't.
He looked over to me, and I saw it. He was broken. It showed as clear as the blood on his hands. His lips morphed into a pained frown. My brain couldn't form words to say as I looked down at our deprived fetus.
I felt my body contract in agony.
"Flower..." he whispered out but I didn't hear him. Our baby...
"Luna, Alpha..."
I didn't want to listen. I wanted to run away to a place that was far from this hospital. Far from this hellish room. I met the Devil, he couldn't be this cruel. He called
Selene cruel.
"I'm so sorry..."
I couldn't keep my eyes open as they took our baby from Benlyam's hands. He lost everything the moment I opened my mouth. He was broken.
"There's nothing we can do..."
My face contoured in a crying expression as my heart dropped. I bit my lip to keep quiet. I needed to listen but I didn't want to. I was broken.
"I'm sorry for your loss..."
I was thrown underwater. A dark, murky, bottomless pit. I wanted feelings to go away, I wanted to willingly fall into my black void. I would jump headfirst. I wanted to be numb. And now that I wanted it, I couldn't have it. I had to feel every atom of agony.
I felt everything and I hated it. As they cleaned me, as they treated me, and as they dressed me. I felt Benlyam's emotions and I hated it, he was so beaten but somewhere in him he predicted this outcome, and it confused me.
How. In. The. Fucking world. Could. He. Foresee. This horror?
Even after they took our dead child, cleaned us, and sat us down to discuss what just happened, my hands couldn't stop shaking. I couldn't stop. They stayed on my stomach.
Benlyam tried to grab my hand and I growled at him. At my mate. It hurt.
I never got to hold it. Benlyam got to, and I didn't. The doctors took it away from me, they didn't want me to go through the pain. I never got to hold it, and apologize, and tell it how much I loved it, and I would always love it no matter what.
I would never forgive them for that.
Benlyam had me warped under his arms as I laid my heavy head against his shoulder. The sofa seemed so uncomfortable. It felt wrong. Reseda sat across from us with a grim expression. The whole room was so dark despite all the lights on.
Reseda informed us of what they would do with our pup's corpse. I didn't want to listen, I wanted to drown. They were going to have a funeral but Reseda offered to
cremate it.
I was a sobbing mess at both thoughts. I didn't want my child buried six feet underground in a casket the size of a shoebox and I didn't want my baby to burn. Benlyam didn't want to have the conversation, he was also disturbed by everything. They decided on a funeral. I couldn't bury my face in Benlyam's shirt anymore. I wanted to disappear.
I didn't care how I was acting, I lost what could've been.
"Again, I am very sorry. However, the other two seem to be perfectly fine! I am very relieved that it was only one and not all three, as you know Alpha about the
condition of Luna's ability to reproduce," my ears perked up and I sat straighter, finding my headspace. I've been waiting months for someone to tell me, I completely
forgot. "The chance of children was a rarity and the fact that she was able to conceive is a miracle!"
I felt Benylam tense and I got confused. I furrowed my brows at Reseda and she looked between Benlyam and me.
"And even after this, I am certain you wouldn't be able to produce. It's quite possible that the other two might not-" Benlyam cut her off with a menacing growl. She swallowed, "but they are healthy and that's a good sign."
Alarm bell.
"I'm s-sorry, w-what?" I asked. I could barely hear myself.
"Luna, you are what we deem infertile. The only possible explanation I see for this instance is either the bond recognized your mate's sperm or it was an intervention form the Moon Goddess herself."
I blinked at her.
"Sterile. You aren't supposed to have kids, I wrote it in one of the first reports I did," she nodded towards Benlyam and he grimly nodded back.
I pulled up from his grip as I looked at him with wide eyes full of betrayal and disgust. He immediately looked at me when I pulled away and he tilted his head at me
concerned.
"You k-knew?" I asked, my voice dripping in disbelief and hurt. He knew I couldn't have pups and still impregnated me. I didn't know how that was logical but I was so hurt, distraught by the loss of our pup.
('Violet, I don't think he meant to...')
...Shush, he knew!...
Sage didn't want to fight back, she was defeated from the loss of our pup.
"Honey, it-" Benlyam started but I shook my head.
"You knew? And- and you didn't tell me? What is wrong with you?" My voice was rising with each question and Benlyam's eyebrow crease became deeper.
He turned to Reseda, "Can you give us a second?" he growled out. She immediately nodded and scurried out of the room.
He reached for my hand and I smacked it away.
"Don't touch me!" Benlyam frowned but pulled back. "Why didn't you say anything! It's been how long?"
"Because I didn't want to hurt you, Violet! You're fragile and I didn't want to hurt you, honey," Benlyam's voice was strained and it hurt to see him that way but I just lost a child, and he didn't tell me that this was a huge possibility.
"Fragile! That didn't stop you any other time! If anything, it fueled you!" he blinked at me. No, I didn't want to bring it up again because I just didn't like talking about that time, but I was hurt and I was speaking whatever felt justified. Even if it was mean.
"Don't say that Violet, I'm sorry about how I treated you but I wasn't going to tell you then and I'm sorry-"
"Don't you think I should've known? If it was my medical record!" I yelled at him and he sighed, regret bubbling in him. "I lost our baby! Does that mean anything to you? It's gon-" I couldn't finish it. A sob that was building up this whole time cut me off.
I brought a shaky hand up to cover my mouth and Benlyam winced.
"C-can we even have kids after this?" I weakly asked. He hesitantly shook his head.
"Unless we get a miracle. I'm sorry, Violet..." he swallowed, holding himself together, being strong because my broken shards were slipping again. We spent months
fixing each other, putting together puzzle pieces and it was rumbling.
"S-so we'll only have two?" again he nodded. I hated the world, but two was better than none. "That's not fair!" A small cry left my lips, "I did everything right, Derek!" he
stiffened at his surname, he hated when I called him that, "I gained weight, I stopped cutting, I-" another sob cut me off.
I was lucky to have the kids, I know that. What wasn't fair was the fact that I've literally gone through hell and the universe does this.
"Why didn't you say anything, Lyam? Do kids mean nothing to you? Do you even want them?" My throat was burning.
He opened his arms and I sadly made my way to his embrace. I shoved my face into his chest as I cried my eyes out. I didn't want to do this.
"Violet, how can you even ask me that? I love our pups, I can't wait to hold them," he spoke into my hair.
Everything hurt.
"I don't want to do this anymore..." I mumbled against his chest and I felt him still.
"What?" Benlyam whispered as he pulled back to look at me.
"I want to die..." I choked out. It was the absolute truth. Those words left my lips without any hesitation, part of me didn't want to tell him but they left.
He snapped.
His glassy eyes shattered as tears fell down his cheeks. Oceans clashed. He looked at me confused as he tilted his head. His breathing was slow.
I've never seen him cry. Guilt crawled up my back.
"What?" he asked, but no sound came out, he simply mouthed it.
"I can't do this, Lyam. Everything hurts. I'm tired of always hurting! I never get a break, I was beaten and lived through Hell for twelve years and- and I have something
that I love and..." another cry cut me off.
Benlyam's shoulder shook as he closed his eyes to steady himself. He bit his lips to stop from crying in front of me, he was being so strong while I wailed about our children.
I felt bad, I should've comforted him just as he was doing to me.
"Flower. Don't ever say that," he croaked. He placed a hand on my stomach and I flinched but he kept it there. "We have two babies still, not all is lost. Everything will be okay, Violet, I promise you. Our kids are going to come out happy and healthy and they'll have the best mother in the world and all the love they can ask for."
I bit back my tears as I pulled him back into me, hugging him. I wanted to go home.
"Alright, Flower. Let's go..."
We managed to get back into bed. He had someone change the sheets while we were gone.
We didn't say anything to each other, we were both still processing what happened. I had my head resting on his shoulder as my hands held my belly.
I pulled his hand on top of my bump. This would be the only time we would have this...
"Violet," Benlyam called softly and I hummed in response. "There's a statute here, Dignity. She represents the courage of some tribal cultures, but also, a symbol of promise and respect for the future."
I looked up at him, confused as to where he was going with this. He smiled at me.
"I see that in you. A promising future and the amount of courage you have, it's insane."
I shook my head at him, "I'm not courageous, Lyam.
"Honey, you are the embodiment of courage. You still push, day after day, despite all you went through. So many would've quit, but you pushed through, even when times were too tough because of my selfishness, you managed to emerge out of it, a blooming flower," Benlyam's eyes shone with absolute pride and it was directed towards me.
"I love you so much Violet, you have no clue. I would give anything for you, you deserve the world and I'll make it up to you for the rest of our lives," he kissed my forehead and I felt so warm.
"I love you too, Bee," I kissed his lips, and soon after, I fell into a peaceful, safe slumber.
I woke up moments later, but something was different.
It was that thing again!
But it was different, things weren't white and luminescent, it was grey and dark. I got out of bed and looked around. Benlyam and my unconscious body were wrapped in each other, sleeping.
It was cute.
"Violet?" A deep voice questioned and I turned to it.
The King.
I felt my eyebrows raise as my eyes widened. "Sire."
He gave a quick wave, "Call me whatever, sweets. How are the pups?" he asked as he took a step towards me.
I frowned, I was hit with a wave of depression.
"One- one..." I started and he sighed.
"Okay," he breathed out, relieved... "I know, sweets, I'm so sorry. I tried everything, but that one was doomed from the start, they all were," he frowned at me, regretful.
"What?" I asked.
"Selene was aware you were infertile from the beginning. I knew when I first met you," I tilted my head, "but I tried to save them all, I'm deeply sorry about his passing."
I tilted my head, still utterly confused, my hands subconsciously went to my bump.
"Recall how Selene kept repeating she 'couldn't interfere' and how you had this medical condition? Yes, you are sterile but she allowed you to get pregnant, however, they were all going to die."
I felt my chest get heavy as my eyes grew wide. "Wh...”
He solemnly nodded at me. "I felt it when I touched your stomach, but Selene is a selfish bitch and wasn't planning on changing it. Sorry for the language."
"She knew?" He nodded. "Then why would she allow me to carry pups in the first place?"
He shrugged his shoulders, "I'm not even sure who gave her the right to handle your case. She's a terrible person in my opinion for allowing you to go through that- and trust me, sweets, I've met a lot of sick people in my life."
I had nothing to say, I was still trying to process everything. So, Selene pulled strings so I could carry Benlyam's pups, knew they would die, didn't do anything, and then proceeded to say how much we needed each other and how I couldn't live my own life.
...She was selfish...
I love Benlyam, I do with all my heart and I don't ever want to leave him, but, she refused to give me freedom.
..."You're fucking cruel. And you have the audacity to say I'm atrocious."...
"The other two are okay, right? You're not sugar coating?" I bit my lip.
"They'll be fine, they're under my protection and are untouchable in your womb. But that doesn't mean to slack off-"
I immediately shook my dead, "never!"
He smiled, his white teeth sparkling. "I had a good divination about you! Another reason Derek loves you as much as he does, he can't wait for your pups," a blush crept up on my cheeks and I thanked him.
"Don't have to thank me. Your kids will remain under my protection after their eighteenth birthday, I'll keep them as safe as I can while being fair at the same time."
"Thank you so much, Sire! How do I repay you?" I was beyond grateful, words couldn't explain.
"Pft. You don't need to, you've been through enough. Selene is going to be pissed but- if you couldn't tell- I don't give a fuck," he shrugged.
"Did Benlyam know they were going to die as well?"
"No," the King shook his head. "He and his wolf felt something was off but they couldn't figure out what it was. Ever notice he didn't really touch your bump a lot? He knew they could die, and although he didn't connect it to the dread that he and his wolf felt- he knew what was possible."
I sadly nodded.
"What about, um, Mercury? Didn't she say she didn't allow you to see me?"
"That's a joke! Hermes couldn't do shit to me except snitch, but what would they even do? Nothing. And, he doesn't control this, it's out of his power." He glanced around as the room got a little darker. "I have to go, I wish you the best for the rest of your pregnancy. You have about a month left, yes?"
"Yes, Sir," I nodded and he smiled at me.
"I'll see you and Derek again sometime, as for now, farewell."
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